Three-headed monster

I have noticed three main drivers of my entire life. I m sure I still cant see others perhaps better masqueraded, manipulated or hidden and I can see relationships between those three. One feeding the other while being spoon feeding by the rest, the ones who showed their face and the ones pulling the threads.

Incapacity of feel loved, vanity and addiction to beauty. You might say they are quite the same but I will explain you why I see them as individuals holding hands and sharing gazes upon each other, gently touching themselves sometimes and passionately fake-loving each other.

I probably exaggerate my current understanding of them but I can say that one is a lier and at some degree a lunatic, while the other is a fragile kid put at the expense of something extremely dark. Karma you may call it or "luck", a lucky number, an open door, who knows. Questions about why and how let me to crack my brain over and over and wish death and absolute dissolution within tears and self destruction.

I cannot explain how I feel, how sorry I am for my losses, for what I probably wrongly believe I had and  lost. I tried my ways, the ways of the darkness, the ways of magic, the ways of meditation, the ways of the ego and everything failed and I lost what I loved the most.

There is a way I never tried, at least as I should, not implying that I actually know what it means to try. A way so hard for the ego, a way so painful that I have to pay the deepest respect to the ones who took the decision of truly, truly become love itself.

I am not a religious man though I was raised as such but I have seen hell, dealt with it, lived on it and I m extremely grateful for it cause perhaps you have to feel true darkness if you want to truly feel God.